Boredom of love

But the state of calm which my friend's presence produced in me was an alleviation of suffering rather than actual joy. Not that it did not allow me to enjoy many pleasures from which my previous acute pain had closed me off, but far from owing these pleasures to Albertine, whom I hardly even found pretty any more, in whose company I was bored and whom I had a clear sense of no longer loving, I experienced them, on the contrary, when she was not with me.

Mais, enfin, ce calme que me procurait mon amie était apaisement de la souffrance plutôt que joie. Non pas qu’il ne me permît d’en goûter de nombreuses, auxquelles la douleur trop vive m’avait fermé, mais ces joies, loin de les devoir à Albertine, que d’ailleurs je ne trouvais plus guère jolie et avec laquelle je m’ennuyais, que j’avais la sensation nette de ne pas aimer, je les goûtais au contraire pendant qu’Albertine n’était pas auprès de moi.